Before I begin I must note that the alpha to our omega (or the Delta to our Kappa) was missing from this adventure. The three Delta Zetas all had plans they couldn’t get out of for this weekend. We missed them terribly. I am sure after finding out what occurred this past Saturday their husbands collectively let out a disappointed sigh. Speaking of husbands…we sent texts to our boys filling them in on our latest adventure. These are some of the texts we received in reply: “heading to Lowes, what diameter of pole do we need?”, “Sounds fun…what did you say the address was again?” and so much more. Love those fellas.
The Worrier Worries
Maryhelen avoided phone calls, texts and emails from us all week. As a group we are kind of an inpatient bunch. When I shared with MH that I had a bad dream that she forced all of us to go to a Hooters in Jersey to be waitresses for the day, she responded with a “hmm…that is not too far off, Kat!” From that point on I was going to make it my mission to find out what she had up her sleeve. But, she didn’t budge. I did extra sit ups, just in case.
When we arrived at her sister’s house in Ashburn we had many ideas of what it could be…topping the list were boxing, hot yoga and rock climbing. And then Lisa yells out, “as long as it is not pole dancing I am cool.” I am not sure if anyone else caught the expression of terror on Maryhelen’s face, but I did and I knew in an instant we were going to become one with a pole that morning. MH asked all of us to close our eyes. We were draped with black boas and the group was informed of our adventure. We called our boas the “Incredible Shedding Boas!” Poor Maryhelen’s sister has a constant reminder of our adventure and I am sure she is still vacuuming up feathers throughout her home. Sorry, girlie.
If you do not know MH personally, let me share a little tidbit of info on her. She is a worrier. This fine lady could be standing in a tropical paradise with a yummy bevvie in one hand and the other wrapped around her gorgeous Sam and she would turn to him and say, “Did you know that it is hurricane season? Do you think we will be ok? Do you think one is headed our way?” I love this about her. I carry many of the same traits myself so I can relate. So, when she told the following story we couldn’t stop the laughter because we knew every bit of it was true. We casually asked MH where our lesson would take place. We were wondering if it was in a studio or gym nearby?? “No”, she said…”it is in a basement.” She told us the story of how when she called to book the adventure she knew the instructor thought she was crazy. She felt the need to tell her how diverse we all were a million times over….Maryhelen meant diverse in the personality and/or modesty sense of the word. The instructor responded quietly that while that is wonderful, there is a 250 pound weight limit for the poles. MH put the phone down…worried for a good 15 minutes and called her back to gently tell her what she was really worried about was the basement thing. Was it legit? As much as we trusted that this basement would be safe, the chatter on the drive there turned into what the instructor and her pole cave would look like…
Hammocks and other ponderings
We were told to park in the back of the row of townhomes. Nope, doesn’t sound sketchy to us at ALL! When we arrived I noticed what appeared to be a hammock in the backyard of one of the homes. I said I knew that this was the house! I just knew it! MH’s sister, Colleen (and honorary adventurer for the day) turned to me and said, “Why? Because you know what they say about women with hammocks?” YES, that is exactly what I meant. Come on, who is with me on that one? side note: it wasn’t the house and the hammock turned out to be a hanging plant.
Oops…I did it again!
We slowly walked toward toward our destiny leaving a trail of black feathers in our wake. We were greeted at the door by our instructor and Suzy turned around to tell us she looks just like Britany Spears. And she did. She and her basement were adorable, not sketchy, and we were ready to tap into our inner hotness. Pop open the champagne, please. Like now.
My name is Spunky Tate, it a pleasure to meet you
We were told we would no longer be known to each other by our real names. We would have to come up with our skanky girl names. I am not kidding when I say Tina raised her hand and screamed out that she already had her name: Spunky Tate. Who in the world doesn’t love this girl?
So, I am pleased to introduce to you, The Adventure Girls Pole Dancing Team. Yup, I said it. TEAM! Our beautiful instructor let us know that pole dancing is now classified as a competitive sport. Who knew?
Pippa (It was the braids that named her!)
Our instructor, Cari…yeah…ridiculous….we know.
She said Maryhelen, She said Maryhelen!
Our first order of business was loosening up and after a few hundred mimosas we were instructed to roll things and pop things that had kind of been in hibernation for the winter. I can say I am sore in some pretty tricky places today. The music was fun and the mirrors added to the laughter. Our interpretation of what our instructor was doing was a comedy act. To add to the fun we were told that if we used anything other than our skanky names when speaking to one another we were to give a lap dance to that person. Spunky “Tina” gave many a lap dance and I was treated to a hot number choreographed by Sugar “MH”. I have several videos that I have promised to keep locked away….Let your imagination wander…..
After warming up we were told that we had to “bring the dance to the pole.” We were placed in groups of two and told we had 5 minutes to choreograph a “doubles dance.” Because I was mimosa champion that day I told “Dallas” (the other half of my team of The Wild Moms) that we needed a back story. I won’t bore you with the details, but the pole may have been named Mr. Pitt for our routine. The other teams gave equally entertaining performances. Twisted Sista made me blush, Pippa and Candy incorporated some sort of gymnastics into their act and Sugar and Spunky really know how to work that pole good.
side note: during this phase of our training Patty, I mean, LACY, turned to us and said, “We don’t have to take our clothes off, do we?” She was serious. Seriously.
Towards the end of our two hour lesson Cari showed her stuff and we were all blown away….We attempted the fireman spin…which as a fire wife, was supposed to be my signature move. Let’s just say I have new respect for my husband. Ouch!
Sadly, it was time to bid farewell to the mirrors and poles and head out to lunch so we could let our waitress know that we are part of an adventure group. We gathered all of our things, our pride and as many black feathers as we could and headed out the door.
While performing I was reminded of an old King of Queens episode. I am adding a minute of it below. Not only does it give you an idea of what we learned this weekend, but it also gives you an idea of what we looked like doing it! Did we look more like Carrie or Doug? You take a guess. Click the link below.